I Don't Have The Courage

Love.

Funny isn't it? How one word could bring so many different meanings?
I can't....express how I'm feeling right now. I wish we could.....go back to the way things were. You're never going to accept this, are you?
But what's done is done. No, there's no possible way for me to go back to the past and undo what I did.

I love you and I don't want to lose you over this. I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness for you. No, I'm not doing this just to be 'dramatic'. I'm doing this because....you're a part of me too. And people are telling me to forget you, to leave you...
I can always make other best friends.
Which is true. But they won't ever be you.

Lovers, boyfriends..... They're supposed to be 'perfect' for you. But best friends....Don't have to be perfect. You just have this bond....which even Science can't explain.
Your words....hurt. In case you didn't realize. Every word you utter, is a piece of jagged glass to my heart. Piercing my very soul. I've been walking around with a burden on my shoulders, a thorn in my side for the last three weeks.
I've been drowning in guilt.
For once, I wish you would look at things from my point of view. Trust me, I've been in your shoes. I've seen things from your point of view.
I know how you see me...
And I know that you care. I'm touched but then again.... How well do you know how I've been feeling for the last month?

It's like....I died. I died and I came back to Earth and watched all the people that I care for with all my heart....Having the time of their lives without me. I can't begin to explain the hurt...
Sure, it's a selfish thing, to not want you guys to be happy when I'm not around. It's not like that. I do want you guys to be happy. But even in that moment of happiness, couldn't you spare just a second to text me and ask me how I was getting along?
2 weeks.

2 weeks. I spoke to no one. I had no one. I was this....shadow.
Alone.
So...so alone.
You claim to know me, you claim that I'm a part of you...If I'm a part of you, then you should know I hate being alone. If I'm a part of you, you would've known how much I needed you.

For 2 weeks, all I wanted to do was die. Every day, I woke up on my stupid cold crappy dorm bed, wishing that this was a dream. Wishing with all my heart, that I would wake up.
But I was awake.
How do you wake up from reality?
In that 2 weeks....the only company I had was him. And he was all the way here.
Where were you?

I'm not saying what I did was justifiable. The point is, he was there. He was there during my darkest hour. I have never felt so much hurt....that the people that I depended on....The people that I trust with my very life.....would let me down.
I never thought it would happen. I was so.....confident that you guys would always be there with me. Maybe you were busy, I know....We all have other priorities and you can't just be worrying about your best friend all the way in Sabah. But how hard is it for you to pick up the damn phone and text me?
Who cares if I can't reply at the time?
At least I would've known you guys still cared.

I'm grateful that he was around. Because I'm not sure what I would've done otherwise. I'm not letting him take the blame for what we did. Because this is between me and you guys. He doesn't come into the equation. Let Trisher say what she wants but don't you dare hound her for it because she was there for me when you weren't.

I'll bet you did your mid-terms perfectly.
I know I screwed mine up.
I couldn't concentrate. Every time I opened a book, you kept coming into my mind. This heavy burden would suddenly crush me. Your anger would twist around my neck and throttle me. Your harsh words would race around my mind. Instead of memorizing formulas....it was your words that I memorized. Forever imprinted in my head.
I always gave up on studying to go to bed because that's the only time I'm free.
Free from the pain, the anger, the frustrations....from any emotion.
It was the only time that I felt peaceful.

I had gotten sick. My temperature was like a bloody yo-yo. Sometimes I would feel so cold. Sometimes I would have a fever. One night, my temp got all the way to 39 degrees.
I was weak. I couldn't stomach anything. I kept throwing up. It was like your anger was burning inside of me. Making me feel guilty. I wanted to claw at my insides and get everything out. I wanted to throw you anger away.
Even in this mad sickness....I was happy. Because I was so sure I was going to die. I wanted my temp to go so high that my blood cells would just explode from the heat. I just wanted to get away from it all.

And now that I'm back. I don't have the courage to see you. Stupid isn't it?
Being afraid of your own best friend?
But then again....
I was so sure that you'd be there to catch me.
Yet you let me slip past your fingers.
And it isn't just you.....its all of you.
Is it really a wonder why I'm so afraid?

I understand. I know you all are busy. And I know you all have your own lives to lead. That it isn't just about me. But maybe, there's just a selfish part of me that wished you guys did care that much.

Why Do I Put Myself In These Situations?

Okay LOOK...

Can we talk this out? Or at least could you reply my messages because you know how damn stupid it is to be talking about this on the blog right?

Yeah Mye, it happened. Deal with it. It's not like we're going to run of and elope to Vegas. Yes, I know my limits. YES I DO KNOW THEM.

I'm aware its not in our culture but screw culture okay. You're not always there for me. You said you are, you SAY but out of the last three weeks WHO actually texted me? WHO bothered to call me and make sure I don't fucking kill myself in MRSM?

You think its easy? Being cooped up all night and day with a bunch of child geniuses while everything and everyone you know is at the other side of the ocean?!?!
You never even BOTHERED to check up on me. You just texted ONCE. ONCE....

A lot of things could've happened Mye. You don't know how dangerously depressed I was the first week there and out of all my best friends, I thought I could count on them to back me up. To help me through my darkest hour. But where were you? Now, you're pissed at me over something so irrelevant and stupid. It's NOT a big deal. The only reason it is a big deal is because YOU'RE making it into a big deal. DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING?!?!?!?!

What is it you want me to do now? You want me to break up with him? Is that what you want? You want me to call the whole thing off? For fuck's sake, I WILL forsake MY happiness FOR YOU. I doubt you'll do the same for me though.

So tell me Myra. What is it do you want from me now?

Since sorry isn't good enough for you anymore. There's no more words left to be said, is there?

The Sheets Aren't Cold Yet

So we begin another blog war?

I thought we outgrew that....

Honestly kan, I have no words. We need to talk. Face to face. Like adults. End of story.

I'm coming back on the 29th. We'll talk then, okay? Now. Let's just put things aside and concentrate on our respective exams. Cheers Myra. You know I'll always love you despite how much you hate me.

Your Head Held High Pretend That You're Alright

Hi again...

I'm supposed to be researching stuff for science fair that's happening tomorrow but as per usual....I'm multi-tasking. My group are all guys (ha ha ha, no kidding). 4 guys and then there's me. I'm pretty damn worried because this science fair thing is about 15% of our GPA and I need a 3.5 average if I want to get SPC for a scholarship...

So, maybe I should start doing my work. I talked to Mel today. It's nice to hear her voice after a long time. I swear, ever since I went...I guess I finally realized who my true friends are. Or was that too harsh? I love you all la. Seriously. I miss 4SC like heck... I miss the teachers in SA, I miss the SA lifestyle. I miss everyone and everything on the other side of the sea.

Right. I should start getting on with my assigned project. The only reason they picked me to present tomorrow is because the Science Fair is held in English and *cough cough* English is my killer subject here. I might point out, the only subject that I'm good in considering I still suck in Add Maths. Thanks Hannan! I really needed you to teach me. :P

Anyways, until next Thursday I suppose. If I'm able to get a computer with a decent Internet connection. If not, then I'll see you guys in three weeks. Because on the 18th is the semester exam and HELL YES, the pressure is already there.

You thought that Sri Aman was pressure? Dears, the its like a pressure cooker in here. T.T

Laters,
Tash.

The Pretender

I'm beginning to despise the time that I'm actually ALLOWED to use the Internet. Well okay, not allowed but still...

Everyone is so defensive about their computers that I got stuck with the most retarded one. Ah yes, there's no Internet connection on that one for some reason. T.T
I'm currently borrowing a friend's one and I'm like...gah....

No, things here aren't going well. And neither are things back at the other side of the sea. I don't want to point it out or make a big deal out of it because it isn't a big deal. It isn't something that I want to get into a huge fight about and it isn't something worth losing a friend for. Okay?
I just want to make that clear.

I'm....possibly....on the brink of a mental breakdown right now. Do you have any idea what it's like? To be isolated? To feel so god damn alone? It's like a screwed up version of The Day The Earth Stood Still.
I can't....
I'm losing everything that used to define me as Natasha Nadiah.
Not only that, I'm losing the people back home.

I'm not....I'm not sure if there are any words left to say. Everything that needed to be said, all the feelings of alone, despair, anxiety and every other fucked up thing that has happened in the last two weeks have all been posted about already. This is just basically a repetition...

I can now honestly say, know how it feels like to have your heart ripped out of your body, stamped into a million pieces....

I'm so...so tired of pretending. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to have to make this BIG sacrifice. Oh sure, its easy for you to be pissed at me you know. Considering where you are, what you're going through....
ARGH. I don't want to put the blame on your shoulders because I KNOW it's not your fault. You acted the way you did because you care about me. I understand that. But right now....Isn't the time for you to be pissed because I honestly have NO ONE ELSE.

Do you know what it feels like to be truly alone?

Liar.

You don't.

You have no clue.

Nothing Personal

Hi dears,

I'm sorry I haven't blogged in ages despite being home for the last four days. I'm just so relieved to be back in my own house, sleeping in the comforts of my own familiar bedroom and basically soaking up the whole feeling of being home.
Aizad's right....You never really appreciate those little things of being home until they're ripped away from you brutally.

Anyway, it seems to be decided that I'm going to continue studying there. =/
Not that I want to, but I'm just going to bite the bullet and go through all the trials....for the sake of my future right?
As to quote the new All Time Low song (written by none other than the sex god named Alex Gaskarth :D)

"I'm making my way to the top of this industry,
With my own two hands,
Not a second glance,
I'll make the impossible a possibility,
So don't fuck this whole thing up for me..."

Oh how I melt when I hear his voice. (: Speaking of All Time Low.... I want their NOTHING PERSONAL ALBUM. I'd love you forever if you got that for me....

Moving on...I came home Thursday night. Crashed out on my bed. The next morning, went to cut my hair and then went to OU to meet up with Divya, Sandra, Trisher, Hannan, Drea and most unexpectedly...Bryan. Had the most fun time of my life. I had to blink back the tears when I hugged Sandra, Divya and Trisher after what felt like years. All through out the day, I ignored the niggling feeling at the back of my mind, telling me that I'd be leaving all this again. And now....Yeah. 1 more day and then I'll be on that damned flight back to my own personal Hell.

Sorry for today by the way...I know I said I'd be in school today but it turned out, my transport bailed on me at the last minute sooooo....yeah. I guess I'll be seeing everyone from school (including you, Pn. Chris) only during the next school holidays. 24 days starting from when I get back to KK on Wednesday. Yes, I know I'm pathetic because I counted. BUT I CAN'T HELP IT OKAY.

I hate feeling so alone there. I hate everyone saying, "It's okay. You'll adapt. You'll get friends eventually."
I don't care about that. Who says I won't make friends? I KNOW, I'll have them eventually....But it's not the same is it? It's not the people that I've known for years and years...that I can be so in tuned with their thoughts they don't even have to open their mouths for me to know what they're thinking. They don't understand me, let alone appreciate anything I say or do. SO BACK OFF OKAY?
Its so hard to wake up sometimes.....To know that its another day of being in a foreign place, with people I can't care less about....

*sighs*

I almost wish I never got that stupid 7A's for my PMR. Grrrr....

CURRENT SONG: "Vegas (Acoustic)" by All Time Low
CURRENT MOOD: Sick