Friday

I Don't Belong There.



Happy Halloween!!

Halloween....is definitely one of my favourite holiday (it should be made into a public holiday!). Well besides my friend's birthdays and of course mine. But it's there.

Anyway, the last three days have been quite.....fun. On Wednesday we were at Sash's house. And by 'we', I mean, the McFlyettes (me, Bai, Sash and Mye). It was pretty fun since we spent several hours in the kitchen eating breakfast then we hung out in her room, watching McFly videos and talking about McFly. We ordered pizza, ate, laughed, bonded.....
It was pretty amazing after the last stressful months of studying where we hardly got the time to even see each other let alone had any sort of general form of merriment.

Thursday was that Deeparaya thing at school. Urm....I really wasn't expecting to join the fashion show. I didn't really want to do it but it didn't mean I didn't have fun when I actually had to do it. Lol. Everyone in school looked really pretty. I felt really self-conscious because of that. Divya!!! MIA!!!!
And you said you'd come for the food. =.="
The food was yummy and I fell in love with Yazmin's homemade cookies the moment I took the first bite! Lol. Love at first bite.....
They played some festive songs over the sound system which made Myra and I laugh since it reminded us of her cousin in YouTube. I finally watched the cream caramel episode by the way Mye. Funny! But I'm not going over to his house for dessert. (: Lol.
Towards the end, Mel and I snuck off to the gazebo while they were cleaning the hall *angelic face*. Mel ran away with my video camera to make a video while I sat at the gazebo reading ('The Historian' by Elizabeth Kastova is AMAZING by the way) and listening to Myra and Baizura playing on the piano in the Gallery.

Didn't go to school today. Went for Satyan's open house instead. It was fun. I miss the guy, okay? It's been......nearly 3 weeks since we've seen each other. So yeah. That basically sums up the last three days. Briefly anyway. So I shall now entertain everyone with some random photos. (:

Oh and....Penang Trip countdown starts now!!


Halloween display in One Utama. Pretty awesome huh?

LOL. I was about to sit on it when I saw the sign and realized the walls are actually made out of polystyrene. =.="

Breakfast at Sash's. Coming soon to cinemas near you. Audrey Hepburn, eat your heart out! 8D

Sash looks like she wants to stab someone with that fork.

Myra is pretty! =]

Eh....Malaysian Project Runway. Lol. L-R: Me, Ain, Trisher.

I had 'Boybands' by Son of Dork in my head.
'Strike a pose and fake a smile...'

Wheeee..... Lol.

The only reasons I watch Harry Potter movies. *swoon* James and Oliver Phelps.

CURRENT MOOD: Hungry. Happy. Impatient.
CURRENT SONG: "Look What Happened" by Less Than Jake


Ten more days until Penang Trip!!! (:

Sunday

I Think Rock and Roll is Really Funny When It's Serious.

These past four days have really been some of the most tiring, fun and busiest days since PMR was officially announced to be over.
Anyway, Andrea came over from PD and stayed over at my house hence the craziness of the last few days. We went to One Utama, the next day after she arrived. Then the day after that, we had several open houses to attend (including my OWN one! LOL). So here are some of the more interesting pictures. (:

At One Utama with Andrea. Don't mind the purple streak thing. We think it was the light.

My Mum's company's open house at Wetlands Putrajaya. Those two are my sisters, Elly and Sarah. Sand art. Enough said.

Andrea enjoying some sand art herself. (:

I dragged Andrea to the middle of the lake after that for some pedal boating. Yes, I still had time to take pictures there. Lol.

This was a big risk because my hand was outside of the boat and holding my phone (otherwise known as my camera).

Pedal....Pedal...Pedal.... *phew*

Urm....ah....haa.... 8D

We were supposed to go home after the pedal boat thing but noooo....
My sisters wanted to play in the bouncy castle. So while my Mum was chasing around after them inside the 'castle', Andrea and I were sitting under the hot sun with nothing to do. Well.... *almost* nothing to do. (:

Andrea said I could hide from war under my nice giant umbrella. No, she doesn't know that I'm secretly a vampire and I despise the hot sun. Lol.

She was trying to steal my umbrella. =.=

Po, you may have defeated Tai Lung but prepare to meet your match in Natasha Nadiah!!! 8D

"Underneath pokok kelapa, I will wait for you...."
Now, where the Hell is that cute waiter from Pan Cafe?!?!
Lol.

I went to another open house after that. My Mum's old friend. She has a son who I haven't seen in four years and we were the closest of friends while we were growing up. I mean, I used to sleepover at his house almost every other weekend!
Anyway....
He grew up hot. (:

My open house was after that. So we rushed back home to get things ready. Sandra and Melissa came first!
And I was so happy that I nearly choked the two of them when I had ran to hug them. (:
Lol. Sorry for that by the way.
Baizura came too! And we were talking away in my room. Eventually we went downstairs....
Pn. Christina came!!!
Which was a total blast since I never thought I could have this sort of 'bonding time' if you will, with a teacher outside of school. Plus, she brought her son, Jon, who was just so darn adorable I wanted to huuuuuug him. 8D
Adi came later and we all hung out to watch 'One Missed Call'.

Jon reading the encyclopedia in my house. A boy who reads. *Awwwwwwww*

Isn't he cute?!?!
Lol.
Pn. Christina, if Jon ever goes missing in Penang. He's probably with me. Lol.

Anyway, today was a pretty hectic day. Dropped Andrea off at Subang Parade where her Mum was. She's going to stay over at another friend's house. Lol. Then went to see my Aunty who just gave birth. Then dropped Baizura off at her house. Then went for like, three different open houses and got home about an hour ago. So....
I'm off to bed. (:

Happy Deepavali to all my friends for tomorrow!!!!

Wednesday

Doctor Pumpkin.



Dragged myself out of bed today just so I could pass up the Penang form. See how dedicated I am Pn. Chris? Lol.
There was a time when I was sitting in bed, wondering if I was still asleep and dreaming or was I really awake. Eventually, I fell off the bed and the effect of the cold tile floor was enough of an awakening.

Amazingly I wasn't late today and bumped into Sandra just as I was entering school. Which really surprised me since I thought everyone would be too busy going to that MPH book fair thing to come to school. I was glad she came though. (:
So anyway, today a couple of people from KDU College came to teach us all about 'fruit carving'. One of the students was hot. (;
But that was only because at certain angles, he reminded me oddly of Cone McCaslin. Of course no one can beat the real thing but the real thing is married. To his high school sweet heart. I would find it incredibly annoying and irritating if it wasn't so god damn sweet and 'awwwwwwww' worthy.

So the guys did some pretty amazing stuff. Including carve a rose out of a watermelon and a sunflower from a pumpkin. There was just this niggling thought at the back of my mind that went, "We're having a world food crisis and here we are carving fruits we can't even eat."
Or maybe I was just really hungry (this was before recess obviously) and my rear end was hurting in more ways than one from sitting so long on the hard floor of the school hall for so long.
Nothing much happened after those KDU guys left. In fact, NOTHING happened. Sandra and I spent our time reading books. I grew bored eventually and went to look for Mel and ended up sitting with her and Su Ann talking about 'Deathly Hallows'.

Baizura and I went to Sash's house after school. Which is of course, just what the Doctor ordered...
You know how hungover Robin I've been right? But Sash's house is an instant remedy! Her house is just choc full of McFly which of course got me smiling in a matter of seconds. So now yes, I'm back to my 'Natasha Poynter' mindset. Thanks Sash! I owe you. (:




Sash's new room. (: I hate her. She has the Internet in her room. =.=
Lol. Bliss magazine came with this really gay pair of pink sun glasses, here are the results.


Baizura looks like she's joining up for a Strawberry Shortcake advertisement.


Sash looks like a younger version Yoko Ono.


While I look like a lala kid on crack.

Yes, I really had nothing better to do while Baizura and Sash were talking. So I continued to cam whore. I grabbed Sash's better looking sun glasses and started messing around with it. (:


Cool huh?

Yeah, Sash's big black sunnies reminded me of the song, 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love'. We spent some time watching McFly videos. Dougie is so hot in the 'Holly Molly' interview. *sighs*
I told you, Natasha Poynter is back. (:

So I haven't really got much to write about. Except perhaps that I'm back into my old 'Natasha Poynter' form again. 8D Yay.


Actually, this picture (above) was dedicated to someone. But I'm supposed to be moving on right?
Right.
I'm happier now. (:

Dougie Lee Poynter owns me. (:
I love, love, LOVE him.
He makes me happy.
With his blonde hair and lizard obsession.
He's got the sexiest tattoos from here to the ends of the world.
He makes me squeal and jump around the room.
He has the cutest smile and the most gorgeous eyes.
He's just Dougie Poynter.
And I love him.

SLINKY!!!


MOOD: (:
CURRENT SONG: "I Just Died In Your Arms" by Faber Drive

Tuesday

I Had That Dream About You Again, Where You Drive My Car Right Off A F***ing Cliff.




"Kiss me, beneath the milky twilight. Lead me, out on the moonlit floor..."
I had a weird dream last night.
It was like, Robin, Satyan and I were back in standard one or something and I was making these hand painted drawings for them. It was so absurd that I woke up laughing at the ridiculous-ness of it.
Anyway, I spent the rest of the morning in bed finishing the book that Latifah had leant me yesterday. 'Give a Boy a Gun' by Todd Strasser, based on the Columbine High School shooting. The book made me think a lot.
Ha ha ha, very funny. I know I don't think that much but still....
This was just one of those random moments.

So just as I was getting up, I heard a baby cry from my neighbour's house (don't ask how I could hear him. It's either the walls are too thin in this house or the baby was just crying really, REALLY loudly) and I don't know. I just turned to mush. I just wanted to run and hug him and find out what's wrong. I mean, this really surprised me since I always thought of myself as a 'non-motherly' kind of person and I'd make a bad mother since I don't have any of these 'maternal' instincts that Baizura and Divya already seem to have. I mean, I just don't know what to do with kids. Even with my own sisters.
Anyway, listening to the baby cry made me have a flashback to when I was younger and my best friend back then (Shira) and I were in her kitchen.
We were looking for Pop Tarts and she was telling me about this seventeen year old guy who punched his newborn baby brother in the face because he wouldn't stop crying and the seventeen year old didn't know what to do. The baby was in the hospital for a couple of weeks.

Now back then, I was young, so I thought....Who would leave their seventeen year old son in charge of a baby? I mean, he's only seventeen. How should he know what to do to get a baby to stop crying?
But now when I think back about it, it makes me sick. This twisty thing happens in my stomach and I feel like throwing up. I mean, how could you hurt something so tiny? So innocent? It wasn't even his fault. Maybe you didn't do something right! Maybe it was hungry or uncomfortable! But it doesn't give you the excuse to punch his face in.
It makes me sad that a seventeen year old couldn't think rationally. I mean, even at barely fifteen (oh yeah, blame me for being born in November), I know there would be other alternatives to getting a baby to stop crying than to punch its face.
=.=
Stupid idiot.

Moving on from those dark thoughts, I went straight to the computer intent on getting started on that essay for Pn. Christina. I mean, I had some awesome ideas I couldn't wait to get them down in pixels but it was like someone had transformed all these ideas into child's play and everything I typed out either seemed wrong or just weird. I couldn't get any words to flow out of me like I normally could under some creative flair. Which of course frustrated the Hell out of me. I tried listening to Sum 41 songs which usually helps me overcome these feelings (proven during last year's Writer's Workshop I joined) but this time, it didn't work. So now I'm just drifting around online, reading random blogs and waiting for the inspiration hatchet to hit me around the head.

I was reading Charlie's blog and honestly, I love the guy. He has the most amazing personality (and his good looks helps too!). Lol. Plus, I love reading about his London escapades and 'pig hunting'. It just so.....interesting. (:

Right, I'm going to go and look up the chords for 'Remembering Sunday' by All-Time Low and I'm determined to learn to play that song before this weekend (this is what all the time under 'house arrest' has driven me to, blame nothing better to do and the people too busy to go out). Plus, I was thinking of sending Charlie a typical fangirl e-mail. *laughs*



Tom Delonge!! *Natasha melts at the sight of her idol*
MOOD: Pissed (writer's block is a *insert appropriate swear word*).
CURRENT SONG: 'Remembering Sunday' by All-Time Low.

Monday

There's So Much On My Mind It's Tearing Me Apart.





Bite me!
Woke up to the 'sweet' sounds of McFly rocking like it's their own personal concert on my phone (It was their song 'Corrupted') which got me pissed and switched off the alarm. When I eventually got up and sloped off to the shower, I think it was about 6.20am so I was running late as it is and then when I went to check up on Mum who was supposed to be sending me today, surprise, surprise!
She's still asleep. =.=
Okay, fine. I shall cut her some slack because she's been studying the whole weekend because she's taking her Masters this year but it doesn't give her a reason to get me late for school. Plus it's a Monday.
Of all days to be late for school.....

Anyways, it turned out that Dad had dominated the toilet first so Mum went back to bed. Which made me go slightly ballistic (yes, I may not like going to school that much but I have this thing where I just have to be punctual for everything).
So yes, as expected with the traffic jam and everything at Bandar Sunway, I arrived late. Then when I got into the Hall, Pn. Chua was talking to us about some 'kluster' school thing which ruffled a few feathers.
I mean, she makes us sound like robots with no special identity whatsoever. To her, we're all 'products of Sri Aman'. We 'represent the school' therefore we have to act in a certain way as not to disgrace it. We're 'kluster school'. The 'best of the best'.

Reality check teacher....
I don't think any of us gives a flying frying pan about the title. I don't care if the government decides to take back the title because then it might teach you (actually, everyone) to be a little more humble. It's because of this 'title', people think that Sri Aman girls are arrogant. It's because of this 'title' that Sri Aman girls get picked on (used in usually snide remarks).
"Oh, I thought you were from a kluster school. You're supposed to be able to do this."
It's because of this 'title', Sri Aman girls are thrown into loop where people expects us to be some sort of child genius depsite the age, and make sarcastic hurtful remarks when we can't reach their standards.
But I bet you never stop to think about that?
I bet you never stop to think how this 'title' not only effects the school, yes, there are the benefits. I shall admit. But there are also the side effects. The parts that can't just be overlooked and glossed over with a cover up.
The side effects are: You're students are suffering.
You expect so much and we try to deliver but learn to accept that, what we're giving is already our best.....

Moving on, I'd really rather not dwell on all that stuff. It's been giving us a pain for the last two years, I've really had enough with this. They can take their title and stuff it down the waste disposal for all I care. Anyway, after that we had to send in our form 4 streaming forms and our text books. The forms depressed me a little, apparently you needed a minimum of 5A's for trials to get into Pure Science and I only got 4A's.
But fingers and toes crossed I suppose....
I really want to get there though.
*sighs*
But so do about 17 dozen other people....

Watching Pn. Su talking about English Lit next year cheered me up though. It was mostly because her presentation was really interesting and it had Humpty Dumpty in it! *laughs* That was when Sandra and I started doing our Ricky Gervais impersonations which just sent me into spirals of laughter.
"If your last name is Dumpty, don't name your son 'Humpty'!"
"They'll take the piss out of him. I mean, he probably jumped off that wall."
"'All the kings horses,'.... Horses? Why horses? They haven't even.....they haven't even got thumbs! They can't even scrub up!"
"If I wanted to think up of a perfect egg crushing device....It would be a hoof!"
"'All of the kings horses and all of the kings men,'....Surely not ALL of them! I mean, what if the French had came to invade us on that day?"
"Send the kings horses and kings men!! The French are coming!!"
"But-...but..."
"But WHAT?"
"The egg..."
"WHAT?"
"I sent all of them to fix an egg!"

(:
I love Ricky Gervais. He is amazing.

Nothing much happened after that really. We were talking about the Penang trip (nyahaha....can't wait!) and about murder crimes. After school I spent the afternoon at Baizura's house where we sat and watched E! and dissecting Beyonce's life.
We grew bored of Beyonce after a while and decided to watch season 1 of Ugly Betty instead. Yes, because like the crazy person I am, prefer the company of my computer than the TV so I haven't really been keeping up with any TV series (including CSI. I KNOW RIGHT!!!). So we were watching from the first episode and then Mum called at about 7 something saying that my Aunty was in labour....
And I was like, "WHAT?! But she's not due for another three weeks!"
Mum: "Yes, I know. But she's already at the hospital. Anyway, I'm going there so...."
And that's how I ended up at the hospital wearing sweatpants and a weird shirt.
Don't ask me to describe it.

Well, I just got home a couple of minutes ago and made a bee line for the computer. Satyan bombarded me the moment I logged in to WLM. Lol. Seriously..... I can't describe him.
(:
Anyway, I'm not going to school tomorrow. Mostly because most of them form 3's are going for that trip to Rimba Ilmu and as much as I love nature, I'm not really a big fan of going on this trips with no camera. So yeah. I was thinking of getting a head start on that essay writing competition anyway. See Pn. Chris? I haven't forgotten about it!
I've already got some cool ideas for it too. (:
And then get started on 'Be Careful What You Wish For' for Su Ann. So I'm pretty much in demand right now. Pffftt...
Speaking of which, I should start on my Dad's website soon....
And cleaning out my room....
Now that should be interesting. My room is currently a cross between a Victorian bedroom and a junkyard sale.
Anyone willing to help? o.o


Ricky Gervais! (:
MOOD: Tired.
CURRENT SONG: "Disconnected" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

The Day

Another Year Older.

Fifteen years ago on this very day, a slightly insane, hyper little girl was born. Named Trisher Tiew Sue-Ann, her secret dream is to take over the world. Armed with only a tissue paper, she invokes happiness (maybe a little too much that it borders on insanity) to the people around her. Namely, her friends.

She may not be perfect, but it's what makes her special. She's real and she can be the best damn friend you'll ever have. She'll tell you the truth like it is without wrapping it up in a box of lies and Fed-Ex-ing to you. She'll be there for you rain or shine with that big bright smile. She'll grab your hands and drag you jumping around the room just for the fun of it. She'll amuse you with the weird noises she's capable of making and the funny faces she can pull off without looking like a complete idiot. Most of all, she'll have you laughing from start to finish. (:


Sometimes she falls down but she always has her friends behind her 110% of the time. She'll curl up and keep away from everyone but she will soon pick herself up again, dust herself off and proceed to take on the world with an even stronger determination. Like most people, she cries but she laughs too. She screams, she has fits of anger but she's ONE OF A KIND.

All in all....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRISH!!

Love ya. (:

Must Be Out Of My Mind

If Only Wishes Could Be Dreams







RAWR.
Woke up this morning in a cold sweat. Haven't studied for the MRSM entrance exams so I rushed and speed read through all my notes for Maths and Science while I was getting ready.
Dad came at about 7am and we left the house in search for SMK Taman Tasik in Ampang.
Found the school, it was pretty big compared to Sri Aman. Or maybe I'm just so used to Sri Aman that it stopped being big and turned 'small'.

Anyway, there were loads of people by the time 8.30am rolled around and everyone knew each other there and I've got to admit, I felt a little lost. Dad's friend was there. He was sending his kid too. Ironically, his kid and I were in the same class but, she had all her friends so I was basically the black sheep in their community. But I made do. So, keeping the Sri Aman name in good shape, I smiled and said, "Hi." and tried to be courteous even though I wished I was still in bed.
Up first was a 'personality' test. Which of course disarmed me....
No one mentioned anything about a 'personality test'!
100 questions in half an hour. Like whoa......
And the worst part?
The questions were either totally random or totally bogus.
So were the answers.
I mean c'mon, my interests are to sleep, shop, and waste my life on the Internet. Not go to some 'Konvensi Keushawanan'.
=.=

After that we had a break and after break were the real exams as I'd like to call it. As expected, it was hard. Like, seriously, mind numbingly, sweat drenching, bang-your-head-against-the-bloody-wall, feel-like-crying-because-you-can't-get-the-answer....HARD.
Well, the Maths paper was. But I would like to take this moment in time to thank Miss Nirmala for everything she has thought me and all the hard work she had spent to give us the creme de la creme for our tuition work because honestly, from the depths of my cold black bottomless heart, if it wasn't for you teacher, I would've never been able to answer any of the questions. But because you DID teach me...... I'm fairly certain I got through it pretty okay. Even if not, probably 50-50.

Science was easy. Harder than the PMR paper 1. But at still, doable. (:
Thankfully everything was in objective. 8D

Anyway, at 1pm today, I can officially say, "I'M FREE!!!!"





FIERCE.


MOOD: Dancing to that random song on my Windows Media Player.
CURRENT SONG: "Eye To Eye" by Tevin Campbell

Hang 'em high

It's Getting Late.


17th October 2008
9.30 a.m.
We've been waiting for this day for months now that it's finally here. I can't quite believe it. Technically, freedom is a bit of a stretch. I've got another exam tomorrow. MRSM entrance exam. =.=
Ah, but screw it......I've slaved over the books for the last what feels like an eternity, I think I deserve the break.

So what was the first thing I did as a celebration after PMR?
I CLIMBED a freaking rambutan tree.

Call me psycho but it was fun and anyway, I was actually helping Baizura collect the rambutans from her tree. It was pretty funny. Sash climbed it first but couldn't reach for the rambutans. (: Lol. Or maybe you did, but you didn't know how to break it off. Nevermind. Natasha to the rescue!

Trisher got a haircut.
She looks pretty. (:
She showed me through webcam but as seen from the above conversation....I missed the chance to 'immortalize' it.
Speaking of taking pictures.....
That's my 'After PMR Project' or more widely known as 'Project Photography'.
I'm buying a new digital camera using the money I collected during Raya (and the random pocket money I saved) and starting right away.
I can't wait. (:

I can't wait to go to Penang!!!! Lol. Pn. Chris is going to have a time to keep us all in order and make sure we don't break any....... rules.
I can't wait to go to PD (soon, hopefully). Yes, I miss you too Andrea. That's why I'm coming.

There's something missing though.
Tuition. =(
Or rather...... him.
*sighs*
I give up. I'm tired of chasing after him. He doesn't know, let alone, CARE. But its not easy. I can't just pick myself up, brush the dirt off and continue walking.
I feel crippled.
Alone.
And here I thought the end of PMR would bring some sort of happiness. Well it does, in a way. But at the same time, the hurt that I've been carrying for the last four months....isn't going to fade away.

GAH! I'm going to Sash's house on Sunday (most probably) and I'm going to force her to brain wash Robin out of me.
Strap me to the chair and let me finish season 5 of One Tree Hill!!!
Play McFly videos after McFly videos after that!!

Oh sod it. Nothing is ever going to work. I care about him too much.

MOOD: Elevated. Hungry. Hurting.
CURRENT SONG: "Make Yourself At Home" by The Starting Line

Like A Tattooed Mistake

Warning: This post my contain coarse language that I'm going to give my sorry in advance to Pn. Chris but I cannot find another way to express my feelings although I'll try my best. This post may also be angry. Emo. This post may be the most brutally honest things I've written about anyone and of course, myself.





Don't say I didn't warn you.





For the first and last time, I am NOT going out with Satyan. I don't even like him in that way. He's just a friend. A pretty damn good friend at that. We're close.
Why?
Jealous?
Why can't you people get it into your micro-sized minds that a girl and a guy can be JUST FRIENDS without having any other strings attached?
Or do you people live in a world where everyone humps every thing in sight?
Well, I wouldn't be surprised. Considering the way you people dress.
I've seen drag queens looking better than you people dress for tuition any given day. Not to mention your attitude that's like what...... 5th grade?
God, I can't even find the words to tell you people how STUPID you guys look. You're supposed to be friggin' 15.
You people are an insult to all human kind. I think God made a mistake, you people were supposed to be born as sloths instead. In fact, I pity the sloths having to be classified in the same group as you people.




That's for one. And here's another thing.
I'm here God damn it! Why can't you see me?
Ohmygod. There are days when I wish I can wear a sign around my neck saying, "OI! ROBIN!! I'M ADDICTED TO YOU, GET THAT ALREADY!!"
But then, there are times when I think, "Screw this shit. I'm moving on. It's never going to happen anyway."
Yet, when I see you in tuition, I fall for you all over again. =.=
Call me dumb, retarded, whatever you want but it's the damn truth. And you know what sucks even more?
There are times in tuition when I just want to forget about everything and every one and just walk over to you and give you that hug that I've been longing to give.
I can't...
I can't take it anymore.
I want to tear my hair out and stamp my feet.
I want to curl up in a ball and cry, cry, cry until the tears are replaced with blood.
I want to punch the walls and mess up my knuckles so badly that I can't use that hand anymore.
I want to SCREAM myself hoarse.
I want to throw my guitar out the window and burn every damn song I've written that's about you.
I want to throw myself in front of a moving train just so I lay there and bleed before everything ends.
I want everything to be over but you know the annoying part?
The parts that makes me want to scream even louder?
The fact that....if I got to do all those things.....





I'll miss you.





*sighs*
I wish you'd notice me. I don't get how those stupid rumours about Satyan and I could be spreading around when it's SO DAMN OBVIOUS that Satyan and I are in love with two different people.
All those smiles.
All those times I've tried talking to you.
All those glances.
What else could it have all been for, if it wasn't a way for me to let you know that I'm into you?
But the thing is, I'm not just into you. God, this is so damn complicated.
And to add the complicated cherry on top of this mess of an ice-cream, PMR is like, next week.




Everyone is to savvy to admit the fact that they're scared.
But ha ha ha ha, GUESS WHAT?
I'M DAMN SCARED!!!!
I feel like I'm going to piss in my pants every time I think about it.
I feel like I haven't studied enough and I feel like I'm going to fail half of my subjects, especially Agama.
I feel like I've been living in a cave for the last ten months and I've just stepped out into the bright ray of reality and OMG, GUESS WHAT?
PMR!!!!




There are so many things in my mind right now that I feel like I'm going to explode. I keep telling myself that I need to 'get my head in the game' and start to really focus on PMR but I just can't.
I mean, there are parts of me that are.
But there are parts that aren't wholly committed. And it's these parts that are driving me off the cliff and into the deep dark Atlantic ocean below.
I'm constantly tired these days.
I've hardly been getting sleep.
Eating is just so the gastric juices in my stomach doesn't eat up my stomach lining and land me in the hospital.




Unnnggghhh.....Why do I constantly have you in my mind? Why, why, WHY?
Life was much simpler in form 2 when all I cared about was McFly and Dougie Poynter.
But Sandra said that she'd rather I not go back there. I wasn't happy.
There's a difference now?
Sure, Robin provides some sort of happiness to my life but he doesn't know it, does he?
More importantly, he doesn't CARE.
No, I'm not accusing.
No, I'm not putting the blame on him.
I'm blaming MYSELF.
I brought this mess onto MYSELF.





Current State of The Union
PMR vrs. Natasha's ever-lasting battle to find happiness (in other words, trying to get him to notice her and love her back)





MOOD: Hungry. Tired. Pissed.
CURRENT SONG: "Pain For Pleasure" by Sum 41

Tagged

by Trisher




You have a stupid layout that cannot steal la. Oh wait, so is mine. (:




Three names you go by:
1. Tash
2. Nat
3. NASA (Trisher punya pasal)




Three screen names you've had:
1. Dance With Me
2. iTash
3. Mrs. Halloween




Three physical things you like about yourself:
1. My HAIR. LOL.
2. Eyes. My big round alien like eyes.
3. My Colgate smile that scares Satyan. -.-




Three physical things you DON'T like about yourself:
1. Ahem....my thighs. They're HUGE.
2. My toe nails.
3. My round face. That I can't see properly in a square mirror.




Three parts of your heritage:
1. Sri Lanka-ian
2. Arabian
3. Urm...if I'm not mistaken there's English somewhere.




Three things that scare you:
1. Robin's serious face. (AHAHAHAHAHA....)
2. Little girls with long hair that covers their face and wearing all white.
3. That thing that's been living in that container in my fridge for months now.




Three of your every day essentials:
1. Phone, phone, PHONE!! (with credit)
2. iPod (or something that can play music)
3. Comb. Because I'm VAIN.




Three things you are wearing now:
1. T-shirt.
2. Shorts.
3. Underwear, like....yeah.




Three of your favourite bands or musical arts:
1. Sum 41
2. Blink 182
3. McFly




Three of your favourite songs right now:
1. Yours To Hold - Skillet
2. Six Feet Under The Stars - All Time Low
3. All That I've Got - The Used




Three things you want in a relationship:
1. The perfect guy.
2. Honesty.
3. Manja-ness. (: (with each other obviously)




Three physical things in the opposite sex that appeals to you:
1. The smile. (He has a great smile)
2. The eyes.
3. The hair.




Three of your hobbies:
1. Dance.
2. Write.
3. Be random and jump around the place like a kid on Prozac.




Three things you want to do really badly right now:
1. Get PMR done and over with.
2. Hug him.
3. HUG HIM!!!!!!!




Three careers you're considering/considered before:
1. Psychologist.
2. PR
3. Entertainment lawyer




Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Dougie Poynter's house. LOL!!!!
2. New York.
3. Greece.




Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Kiss him in the rain.
2. Dance with him in the rain.
3. Oh and urm.....be with him.




Three ways that you are a Stereotypical girl/guy:
1. Talk....talk....talk....talk....talk...talk...
2. Chick lit is LOVE.
3. I have like, blonde, like, moments.




Five people that you would like to see that this quiz right now:
Myra.
Robin.
Pn. Chris.
Mel.
AND whoever else that is as bored as I am. (:
P/s: Copy word by word yeah. DAYUMN!!!!





OMGDOMGDOMGDOMGDOMGD!!!!!!
It's 1.30pm and I haven't bathe and I need to get to tuition by 2.30pm.
BYEEEE!!!!

Dedicated to Him I guess.

"I see you standing here
But you're so far away
Starving for your attention
You don't even know my name




You're going through so much
But I know that I could be the one to hold you




Every single day
I find it hard to say
I could be yours alone
You will see someday
That all along the way
I was yours to hold
I was yours to hold




I see you walking by
Your hair always hiding your face
I wonder why you've been hurting
I wish I had some way to say




You're going through so much
Don't you know that I could be the one to hold you



Every single day
I find it hard to say
I could be yours alone
You will see someday
That all along the way
I was yours to hold
I was yours to hold





I'm stretching but you're just out of reach
You should know
I'm ready when you're ready for me
And I'm waiting for the right time
For the day I catch your eye
To let you know
That I'm yours to hold





I'm stretching but you're just out of reach
I'm ready when you're ready for me"




'Yours To Hold' by Skillet

Of random conversations.

La la la. This made me laugh. (: I love random conversations where everyone talks crap and we forget about reality. =D

Forigve me, I'm trying to find my calling....

'I'll wait here forever just to, to see you smile.
'Cos it's true.
I am nothing without you.'




Dear you,
I wish you knew. I wish you knew how I felt. I can't stop thinking about you.
I wish wishes came true.
I'm trying to make sense of these feelings that I'm having. I'm trying to put them away in a box at the back of my mind and lock it away. Because I know we can never be. At least, I don't think so.
But I can't.
I tried but I failed.




'Oh I can see now,
That all of these clouds,
Are following me in my desperate endeavour,
To find my whoever...'
Are you really that 'whoever'?
Are you really?
I guess you are. Take a look around. There's no one else I want as much as you.
No one else I want to hold.
No one else I want to hug.
No one else I want to touch.
I'm out of my mind. I know. I'm way out of my depth and I'm swimming blindly in the deep dark ocean. But I don't care. I don't care anymore.
No wait....I do.
I care. I care if you somehow read this and run away from me. I care if I said something to make you think I'm just another psycho girl that needs a life and avoids me.
I care enough to know that I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE YOU.
So that means I shouldn't post this up. Where the whole world can read it. But, if I don't. It'll just sit there in my chest. Untouched and growing bigger day by day.
Like a snowball that turns into an avalanche.




'Everybody's got their problems,
Everybody says the same things to you.
It's just a matter how you solve them,
And knowing how to change the things you've been through.'
Happy thoughts.
That's what all my friends have been telling me to do. Think happy thoughts. But all of my happy thoughts are about you.
Can't you see how much you've seeped into my life and changed everything with your very presence?
No, I'm not blaming you for my mistake.
My mistake to fall for you.
But I don't want to get over you. I want to let go but at the same time, I want to hold on.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm so confused.
I'm sick of trying to figure you out.
You're like a freaking Rubik cube.
If I could just find the right way.....




'I never think about you but you're always on my mind.'
I can't close my eyes without seeing you.
I can't sit by myself without my thoughts going to you.
I can't listen to songs without them reminding me about you.
I can't dance without thinking of you.
I can't write without writing something about you.
I can pretend that I'm fine.
I can pretend that I'm okay.
But only when you're around.
I can smile, I can laugh, I can act like a semi-normal human being....
But just one moment....One moment on my own is my own undoing.
Because that's when, I can't control the flood of emotions in my mind. Like a dam that's broken, everything rushes through. So fast that I can't catch them even if I wanted to.
So I let them flow.
Just like, right now.
I know I shouldn't write these things. But I can't.....stop.
I wish I could.




'You're not mine and I know it,
But that night I couldn't hold it in,
Because I feel just right,
When you're standing next to me.
I've got this perfect pictures in my head,
Of possibility....'
If only I could really give up on hope. But it won't let me. Just like me to you, it holds on to me, wanting me to believe. To believe that something could happen between us.
I'm not going to lie. A part of me does think that way.
But another part of me. A considerably bigger part of me.
Can't.
Won't.
I know through experience to never get my hopes up too high.
Because that.....is the worst feeling in the world. When you stand there, unable to move, and watch your hopes shatter in front of your eyes. And you can't do anything to catch them before they fall and break into pieces.
And I wish I was strong enough to pick up those pieces and glue them back together.
But I'm not.
As those pieces break.
I break.




I have to remind myself to breathe every time I see you. I have to remind myself that you don't know. That you don't know about the ever lasting battle I have inside myself.
Between the Natasha that wants you to know and the Natasha that wants to keep it a secret from you.
The conflict of emotions.
The bitter and alone feelings.
The confused...
The lost...
The angry...
The everything.




'You got me falling,
For noticing the little things you do,
Putting a hold right over me,
Funny as it seems,
You make me dream,
Doing the little things, those little things you do.'
Your smile.
Your god forsaken smile.
The smile that caught my attention and hooked me instantly.
Like a drug addict to his drug.
You're my kind of heroin.
I wonder, if you knew how I felt, how would you feel?
If you knew that sometimes I can't sleep.
Can't eat.
Can't THINK.




'Because I need you more,
Than you need me,
Because I want you more,
I know.'




Dear you,
I wish I knew how you felt. I wish I didn't care about you as much as I really do.
I wish you'd just leave my mind.
But I don't want you to go.
I'm so confused.




'I got a first class ticket to a night all alone,
And a front row seat up right by the phone,
'Cos you're always on my mind,
And I'm running out of time.'
Time.
After PMR.
Will I see you?
Will I bump into you?
Will we even be together?
Will there be an end to all these questions?




'And I feel a weakness coming up,
Never felt so good to be so wrong,
Had my heart on lock down,
And then you turned me around,
I feel like a newborn child,
Every time I get a chance to see you smile,
It's not complicated,
I was so jaded.'
You saved me from turning into a ghost. You rekindled that dying flame inside of me. The one that couldn't trust anyone anymore. That wouldn't trust anyone anymore.
You opened my eyes and made me realize that it wasn't the end. That there are still things worth living for.
I won't hurt you. I'll hurt myself before I hurt you.
Hell, that's what I've been doing. But I don't care.
The mere thought of hurting you makes me tremble with fear.
I won't do that.
And if you want me to go.
To forget about you.
To move on and leave.
I will.
But it won't stop me from loving you.




"You caught me off guard,
Now I'm running and screaming."

I Know What You Did In Those Few Days

SELAMAT HARI RAYA!!!!!!!




No. I haven't gone AWOL. No. I wasn't admitted into the hospital because of PMR stressing (although, this might happen quite soon).
So....what HAVE I been doing?
Well, this thing called...urm...wait...what is it again...OH YEAH!!!





Studying.





Urgh. I know right? My only motivation is that.....in about 2 weeks. I don't have to look at another revision book for a reeeeeally long time.
Anyway, my weekend until Tuesday was basically filled with tuition. I can't even begin to describe the heartache I've been going through.
Why?
C'mon.....he's in the same tuition as me.
And I can't do anything about it. No until after PMR anyway. He's the kind of guy who would prefer books over me. Yeah, I know. He should be admired for his strength and dedication to studying but WHOSE fault was it? I never asked him to go and challenge his mum. At least, that's what he did, according to Miss Nirmala. So yeah. Here I am just......waiting.
For what I'm not exactly sure. Because even if it's after PMR, whose to say that we're going to end up together?




Ohmygod.
I'm tired of thinking. I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I keep worrying. And wondering. And who is it hurting?

ME!





I'm pretending I'm fine and walking around with a smile on my face when I feel like curling up in my duvet and not coming out until after PMR. I'm wondering what he's thinking about 24-7 until I've turned into a semi-stalker. At least I think so. This sucks because I don't want to scare him away. I don't want this to turn into something out of Kampung Tunku. Back to the days when I couldn't keep my big mouth shut and blurted out that I had a crush on these guys and they got freaked and avoided me.
No, it wasn't very nice.
Yes, it hurt.
So I'm trying not to repeat that mistake, thanks.




Okay, in the car. I had lots of things to write and I thought I knew what I wanted to say. Turns out, nope. I don't have anything relatively interesting to say. Except well, today was Raya. Collected about 300 something. Tired like don't know what. I want sleep but I'm afraid to close my eyes. I don't want to dream about him. Because I have...
For the last four damn days.
*sighs*
It hurts. It hurts to know he doesn't know. Probably doesn't even care. And I should stop obsessing about this but I can't.
I CAN'T GOD DAMN IT.
You know what? I might write an emo post after this but in the mean time. Please, enjoy the random pictures I have posted up.




Two nights before Raya. Yup. I actually helped! Cucuk satay is hard okay. I never appreciated how the stupid meat got onto the stick. But now, I do.




Filling up the ketupat with rice. Easier than the satay thing. Definitely.

Raya morning.





I was getting ready. You can tell from the picture above this picture, that this isn't my full baju raya. Well actually, this baju kebaya was made for my Aunty's wedding last year. Yes! Reduce spending money and REUSE! I don't mind. More money to spend on other things. I.E.: Shoes! Breaking Dawn! Normal clothes!




Pout la. POUT. Ha ha ha. You know you love me. (:

The daughter and the Father.





My sister and I. She's 6. No. Shut up. She doesn't look like me. Shut up. La la la. I'm not listening.




Aunty Jah. Breakfast-ing before we start on our journey to people's houses.

Malaysian version of Santa Claus. NO CUTTING QUE!!! LOL. My cousin and I were plotting to hide our duit raya and get back into line. (: No, we didn't do it. We're good kids.







At my Aunty's Mum's house in Bangsar. I wanted to jump into the freakin' pool because it was so hot.

Cam whoring in Pan's Cafe. Monday. Tuition. Lunch hour.







BAIZURA!







Because this Sandra is a Hell lot prettier than Sandra Oh. =P