I Wish I Knew

I'm sick.
I'm aching and I feel raw inside.
I wished I could pray to God to take away my pain but I can't. He hates me. The demons have plaqued my body and there's only two beings that can save me now. Me and God. God won't help. We've established that. And I'm too weak. My heart feels tense and constricted and even though my body is alive, I'm slowly dying inside. It's like what made me, ME, is slowly vanishing in front of my eyes and I can't do anything about it.
I thought I had the goals in my life, I thought I had, had the meaning to my life. Talk about false alarm.
I'm just as lost, hopeless and vulnerable like I was when I first opened my eyes in this damned world.
So lost.
So alone.
On a highway to nowhere.
I want out. But my only option is death. And I don't want to die. I'm afraid to die. Yet, I can't bring myself to continue living. There's no point if it's all built on lies.
Why?
Why am I damned because of what THEY did?
Screw this shit.

I wish I knew what is wrong with me. I want to make it better. But I can't if I don't know what it is. Not that I have a solution to it anyway. I don't want to be a bad kid. I don't want to get bad results in my exams. Yet, I am. I want to change it but I'm too weak. Something is overpowering me and I can't get loose.
It's like I'm in a nightmare, only I can't wake up from it.
It's like a game, but I can't win.
It's like a story, just no ending.
I feel like I've ran through a race and found out that everyone had already crossed the finish line but me. And then there's the second part of the race.
What will happen next?
I don't want to know.

It's All Over

Fuck this shit.
I'm tired of living a lie and putting on charades for people. I'm just going to be completely and 100% honest in the rest of posts from now on.

Hi, I'm Natasha Nadiah, I'm a form 2 student in freakin' Sri Aman Girls' School and my life is over.
There.
I think that would clear up some confusion. Oh and....
Ivy: Sandra (Sand)
Vicky: Melissa (Mel)
Beck: Divya (Div)
Julie: Baizura (Bai)
Cameron: Mahirah (Myra, Mye)
Taylor: Syaheerah (Sash)

There. Now shall we continue on how fucked up my life is? Where to begin? How about my stupid compulsive controlling family with it's fucking broken relationships and crappy life? Yeah.

I love to dance. It's the only thing I'm passionate about besides my top six and Dougie. Speaking of which, is there something wrong with loving my friends? Huh? It doesn't classify me as a lesbian if that's what you people are thinking about me. Yeah, so what if I love my friends? These are the only people that care about me. The only people that are there for me when I need them. When I'm with them I have this thing in my head where I know I won't get screwed over because they won't do that.
So if you think I'm a lesbian for loving my top six, then fuck off. You're just jealous you don't have real friends like I do.

Back to the family thing. Dancing. What's wrong with dancing?
I don't know. Why don't you ask my fucking dad?
Oh yeah, that's right. He's never around!!!
Wanna know why? Because he has a fucking second wife and a second family so he's always in between MY family and his other one so he has no bloody right to say what I should, or shouldn't do.
He was like, "I don't want you to dance. It's not in our family. None of our family does any of this public things."
Hey Dad!!!
Did you ever stop to think that maybe, JUST MAYBE your daughter doesn't want to be a part of this family?
That she has other things in her mind?
That she wants to take control of her own life and not let you fuck it up for her?
That maybe she wants to do things that aren't in YOUR 'things to do in life'?
That maybe she's sick of all YOUR fucking rules and the fact that YOU'RE paranoid of mistakes that YOU'VE done and you're restricting her from doing anything?

I'm passionate about music. Fuck off Dad. That's just how I am. Deal with it. Don't go all psycho shit on me just because of YOU'RE bloody past. Why don't YOU go back and visit your own past and sort out you're own problems?
Stop trying to take over my fucking life. I'm living this shit hole in three years. THREE YEARS. LET GO OF ME ALREADY.

All day in school I've been feeling tense and depressed and I didn't know why. I'm sick of not having the answers. Although it didn't help the fact that I lost the stupid essay writing competition that I worked my ass off for.
Maybe I should take this as a.......I don't know....obstacle? Yeah. Perhaps.

The song I'm listening to right now is kinda reflecting the way I'm feeling right now. 'Here's Your Letter' by Blink 182.

The lyrics:
Cut the skin to the bone

Fall asleep all alone

Hear your voice in the dark

Lose myself in your eyes

Choke my voice

Say goodnight as the world falls apart

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go

I need some more time to fix this

Here's a letter for you

But the words get confused

And the conversation dies

Apologize for the past

Talk some shit take it back

Are we cursed to this life

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go

I need some more time to fix this problem

I need some more time to fix this problem

I need some more time to fix this

I'm talking to the ceiling

My life just lost all meaning

Do one thing for me tonight

I'm dying in this silence

The last star left in heaven

Is falling down to earth and

Do you still feel the same way

Do you still feel the same way

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go

I need some more time to fix this problem

I need some more time to fix this problem

I need some more time to fix this

The only thing keeping me from slitting my bloody wrists at the moment is this song. Pray to God it'll help me last through the night.

I don't know. I'm thinking of quiting the dance group. I just.......I can't take it anymore. HE just gets into my head and screws everything up.

Mark is right, my life has just lost all meaning.

Que sera sera *what (fucking) will be, will be*

The Awkward Ways We Meet

Disclaimer: Names might or might not have changed in this. Just accept it will you?

Wow. So it's Sunday. I'm feeling particularly emo but not so, I'm guessing it has something to do with the New Found Glory song (I Don't Wanna Know) I'm listening to right now. I'd like to thank Dougie for this because apparently it's listed on one of his favourite songs and someone made a video of him with this song on YouTube and I happened to chance upon it and yeah, the song is awesome. I'm addicted to it and I got Vicky addicted to it as well. Muahaha....

Anyways, those of you whom have been reading my blog knows that my open house was yesterday and unexpectedly.......people came late. *sighs*
I know we're allowed to be 'fashionably late' (not that I have any idea what time is 'fashionably late' is but yeah) but this was like 2~3 hours late. According to my mum that this was the first weekend after Raya so everyone has open houses. And I was like, wasn't Raya 2 weeks ago?
"First weekend after Raya to spend time with friends." She said.
Well, that answered my question I supposed.
So......Cameron and Taylor slept over at my house last night because there was a slight problem with transportation in the first place so yeah.....but it was awesome! Time seriously flew by and we were suprised to find it 11pm already. *laughs*
Then we went out and went crazy with the fireworks and after that we just sat in my room and chatted and theeeeen......the movie marathon began!
Well, what was almost like a marathon anyway since we only lasted through two movies before we felt like we were going to fall asleep right then and there on the couch in my living room. Hey! Can you blame us? It was like what? 5 in the morning? Yeah.....

We watched 'Wicked Little Things' which isn't exactly a horror movie but if anyone out here likes cannibalism then.....this is a movie for you. And then we watched 'Knocked Up' and I have a slight crush on this guy called 'Jay' in the movie. Although I don't love him that much to check out his name. *laughs*
He was cute in an awkward skinny kind of way with his adorable mohawk. =D
*laughs* Seriously not the usual type of guy I'd fall for but yeah......that's just me I suppose. I tend to go through guys more than I go through clothes (this was a comment once made by Ivy if I'm not mistaken).
But Dougie has been around for a couple of years already! You all have got to admit that's pretty impressive for someone like me. *grins*

After the movies we headed back up to my room where instantly we didn't felt sleepy anymore and since we were just randomly sitting around talking about 'Ghost Hunting with McFly', I said, "Hey, why don't we play the 'In My Pants' game?"
Yeah, the 'In My Pants' game is a game where you say a movie title and then say 'in my pants' after that. I.E. Die hard in my pants.
We came up with pretty weird/funny ones.
But my favourite ones so far has got to be, 'John Tucker must die in my pants.' and 'Surf's up in my pants.'. *laughs* Cameron's one was: 'The Simpsons in my pants.' and we were wondering if they could all actually fit in there. Speaking of which, Taylor's one was almost like that: 'Charlie and the chocolate factory in my pants.'

Then we got bored thinking up of movie titles and I decided to change it to song titles instead. And this was a heck lot better.
Star girl in my pants.
It's gonna be me in my pants.
Sorry's not good enough in my pants.
All the small things in my pants.
First date in my pants.
Year 3000 in my pants.
That thing you do in my pants.
Ooopss I did it again in my pants.
We are the young in my pants.
Truly, madly, deeply in my pants.
Summer lovin' in my pants.
The great escape in my pants.
Five minutes to midnight in my pants.
The holiday in my pants.
Work in my pants.
Larger than life in my pants.

And the list goes on but I think my favourite one was when we eventually turned off the lights (I think it was either 5.30am or 6am) and Taylor and I were randomly talking to each other in the dark since we couldn't fall asleep (yet) and then it suddenly struck me.
"She falls asleep in my pants!!!" I declared gleefully trying to control my laughter as Taylor and I laughed in the darkness of my room.
And then today was more of a 'go to other people's open houses' and crap. I'm wondering when am I going to be able to see my uncle whom just got back from UK like, yesterday. *pfft*
Anyway, that was how my weekend went. Not looking forward to school tomorrow but I am kinda a bit excited about dance practice. Yeah, my school has this after exam acitivites and there is an inter-class dance competition and even though I didn't come to school on the day they chose the team for my class, I ended up on it so uhuh........but it's not like I hate it or anything. Hello?!?! I live for dancing!!!! :D

Que sera sera *what will be, will be*

Why do we fall in love?

Disclaimer: Oh c'mon, don't tell me you don't know it by now.



So, I was going through my list of favourite videos on YouTube and I found one entitled, 'Tom Delonge's Speech on Love' and that was when I realized I never actually finished watching that. Naturally, I clicked on it and began to watch it again and then I realized that Tom is completely right about love.

There was this part when he was saying, 'When you really do fall in love, it kinds of....kind of tears your heart out of your chest and makes you feel really vulnerable. And it makes you feel like you can't eat, you can't sleep and you wait by the fucking phone all day long and it's like.....Besides all that shit its the best thing you've ever felt in your life and whether it's six months or two years....there's this part in the relationship where it dominates every other feeling in your body and I think that's true living.'



I copied as accurately as I could from the video, it wasn't really helping with the people screaming and him mumbling and stuff but yeah. Those words. They stuck to me and I realized that.......I don't know. It was just really touching and inspiring and it makes me love Tom Delonge even more than I already do. Although the really crappy shitty thing about this is that the moment I heard his speech on love, the song 'Ignorance' began playing in my head and it was really pissing me off. No offence. I love the song. LOVE IT. But it totally ruined the mood of what I was feeling when I had listened to Tom's words.



Oh well.



Anyway, I'm basically wasting my time away, sitting online watching YouTube and trying to write. It's kind of hard to write something light-hearted when you're feeling all sorts of different emotions at what time.
In fact, its kind of hard to think creatively when you're feeling so many things because its like.....you want to convey what you're feeling into words but you can't find the right words to explain it and it frustrates me a lot when that happens because I want it to be perfect. I want people to see what I'm seeing kind of thing, you know? Because people imagine differently, and as selfish as it is, I don't want them to see something different than I do when I'm writing. I want them to see what I'm seeing because then they'll know what crap I've been through to write it.



Yeah. I said all I wanted to say.



Que sera sera *what will be, will be*

In The Story I Was Told Well, This Was Never Mentioned.

Disclaimer: Names of people might or might not have changed to protect the innocent. Mainly, me.

So it's the morning after the exams. Can anyone say 'not going to school?'. I have the strangest feeling that the teacher's are probably gonna scold us girls who skipped school today but it does it matter? It's the end of finals! Give us a break yo!

Anyway, it's one of those days for me when all I want to do is laze around either in front of the computer or watch DVD's (I think I've got the movie 'Knocked Up' somewhere in the house). I just finished watching 'You, Me and Dupree' for the second time since I bought it. My dad was asking me the other day why I wanted to watch something I've already seen. Well, that's the point of buying DVD's Dad. So that you can watch it over and over again until you've practically memorized every single line of the movie (i.e. Me and the movie 'Just My Luck'. Obvious reasons).

Amazingly, I'm not even feeling hungry even though I just ate like, the left over cakes from Raya for breakfast and now it's like.......12.49pm. Haven't bathe yet either. =]
Can you blame me?
It's the time so sit around and act as lazy as you want!!!
I've only got one day anyway since tomorrow I think I'd be forced to go to school. Not to mention I have an open house on Saturday. Hey, no offense to anyone who wasn't invited yeah? It's kinda limited since my mum has been working the entire week and barely has the time to host an open house that has like, a hundred people coming (please let it not be a hundred people, as much as I love to socialize, I just want to spend time with my best friends).

I'm reading this book by Danielle Steel at the current moment (I know, I'm such a nerd. =]). It's called, 'His Bright Light' and basically it's about her son Nick, whom died at the age of nineteen. I think it was because of manic depression (can't blame me for saying 'I think' cos I haven't finished reading it yet, now have I?). And my heart goes out for Danielle as I read it. I mean, the hardships and stuff. The things she had to go through with Nick. I feel my heart crumble every time I pick up the book and read it. And then I would go all manic depressed myself and start writing dark scary poems (according to some people that have read some of my poems, including my ex-neighbour. I miss you by the way). As much as I love McFly and everything they do, their latest song kinda inspired my latest poem. It was raining and we were in class sitting for our Civic exam and yeah. I began to write, with that particular song in mind. It's on my player, so yeah, if you haven't heard it yet. You've heard it now.
It's not exactly a poem though. More like a 'lyrics reply' to the lyrics of the song. Oh yeah. The song is called 'Ignorance' by the way. And I'm very proud of Dougie who wrote the song (Geesh, I sound like his Mum. No offense Mrs. Poynter). I aspire to be his wife but that will never happen. I wanted to laugh at that but it came out wrong so I guess I won't.

Here's the song/poem by the way. It's my first time posting something like that on, so try to be a little less harsh with the critics. Though constructive criticism will be gladly accepted.
There's no title. So I'll name it 'Untitled' for the moment (gee, how original of me).

You shoved a thorn into my heart
I'm bleeding but you're blind
My name is written on the charts
You're locking me into a bind.

The rain falls faster and faster
So does your lies
Unravelled and revealed
The pieces of my heart dies.

The truth makes it harder to breathe
Undeniable pain that chokes me from within
Held me close then let me fall
Stand up tall and face your sins
Death makes a silent house call
You tried to say goodbye but my line was already dead.

There. I know. It sucks. But I was feeling all emo. And the rain wasn't helping much. It influenced me, as you can see in the second paragraph. I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess I just love playing with words. Honestly, I'm going to try out for the Editorial Board next year for the English section and no one better stand in my way. I'll just be like Dupree, try and try again and will never ever lose my 'ness'.
That's like *your name* + ness by the way. You know, like Carlness or Melness or whatever.

Urgh, I'm getting annoyed with these stupid tiny little ants that are crawling around the computer desk for some reason. Seriously. I need to tell my dad to stop drinking his tea up here. It's attracting all the stupid ants. Anyways, I'm getting to unbearable. I'm gonna go take my shower now and sit in front of the TV and watched 'Knocked Up'. See ya!

Que sera sera *what will be, will be*

Everybody Likes To Party On A Wednesday Night!!!

Disclaimer: You know the drill.

Well.....the exams are over. Finally (hah, lame ass corny joke: The finals are finally over!).

So how's everyone? I feel like I've been knocking my head against the wall the entire week of holidays. The last three days of exams have been without a doubt stressing. For some unknown reason. I mean, it's not like I particularly care about my marks but my mum has been really pressuring me this exam saying 'things'. And I kinda don't want to remember what she said since it'll get me all depressed and I really don't want to get depressed like right now.

*a few minutes later*

Did I say I don't want to get depressed? Well, scratch that. My mum just called me saying things like, "You can blog tomorrow. Come downstairs and watch CSI. You've got the entire day tomorrow."
And yes, even though it sounds perfectly sweet and crap but I'm so NOT in the mood to watch CSI. I've got loads of crappy shit that I need to release but of course.....no. I'm not allowed to do that. Tomorrow. Pfft....
Tomorrow would be an entirely different feeling Mum. But thanks. Thanks for showing that you 'care'. Yes, I'm acting spoilt and bratty but fuck off. I'm tired. Exams just finished. And for some reason, I miss Dougie a fucking heck lot even though I've never met him before. Bloody hell.
I just cried, CRIED, because Dougie cut his lip during the 'A Haunting' show. I think it was 'A Haunting'. I just know it has something to do with ghosts. Damn Malaysia and it's lame ass TV shows. Show some British channel BESIDES BBC News and BBCE will you? Geez....

Que sera sera *what will be, will be*

Somebody Loves You

Disclaimer: People's names have been altered (kinda no point already cos I think people are able to figure it out by now) to protect the innocent. Namely, me.

Guess who got the latest Insomniac cd album by Enrique Iglesias? Yep, that's right.
ME.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I'm being overly proud of myself but I can't help it. I like the guy. Notice I said like and not love. Like I said, no one is able to replace Dougie Poynter in my heart. He's embedded there. Deep.

Right anyway, I don't know why Taylor doesn't like Enrique, it's not like he's bad or anything. I sooooo love his old songs i.e. Hero, Escape etc. Speaking of which, my mum called Enrique old! He's not old!! He was born like what, 1975???
Yeah! That ain't old. Old is like....like....I don't know but Enrique is so not old!
I don't know why I've been suddenly addicted to him these past few days. Hence the sudden urge to buy his album, if not I think I would have bought Avril's 'Best Damn Thing'. Speaking of her.....Taylor doesn't like her either. Ever since "She went all girly." as to quote Taylor directly. Honestly, I can't say much about her taste in music (nor can I say much about mine either!) at least she has some taste in a sense that she likes McFly. *laughs* All though to be honest I was about to strangle her when she said she doesn't like Blink 182. And yeah, I kinda forced her to sit down and listen to some of their more inspiring songs and now she likes them. =)
See how persuasive I can be???

Hmmm....the past two days since I last blogged haven't been all that eventful. Unless you count going to IKEA again with my parents, 'eventful'. Although Julie did come over to my house for Raya today which brightened up my day slightly (besides getting Insomniac of course). Urgh.....the act of 'not studying yet' is getting on my nerves. Yes, I'm quite aware that exams still haven't finished yet but how can you resist the Internet when you have more than ten days of school hols stretched luxuriously in front of you like some sort of tempting cookie to a half starved anorexic girl.

Plus I've been looking through some of my older stories that I wrote in my own computer (its a desktop and it doesn't have Internet connectivity so you can put an end to your 'oh-she's-a-rich-girl' dreams to a stop) and I realized that most of my stories are fan fictions. And none of them makes much sense. I mean, its the same ol' typical love story. But I love typical love stories!!! I'm a sucker for happy endings, although it does get on my nerves sometimes when its too horribly cliched. But I like endings like Bridget Jones and Love Actually. I cried a heck lot watching 'Sepet', 'Gubra' and 'Cinta' though. Is it just me or are Malay movies always chock blocked with drama????
Seriously, you'll end up in tears half the time unless you're watching something comedy like a bit like, 'Gol dan Gincu'. That also sad a bit. I think. I don't know! It's been a while since I last saw that film even though its one of my fav malay movies. Yes, I do watch them contrary to how 'English' my relatives think I am.

Movies, movies, movies......I'm an addict!!! Does anyone know when 'Good Luck Chuck' is gonna come out in Malaysia?? Or 'Stardust' for that matter....???
Can't wait to see Charlie Cox!!! He was hot in Casanova but after seeing a couple of trailer picts of him in Stardust on the net, he looks better in Stardust.
Speaking of movies......does anyone know where I can get an original version (not that I've seen a pirated version one around anyways) of 'Interview With A Vampire'????? Its like one of my all-time fav films and Tom Cruise looks damn effing hot in there. *laughs*

Anyways, I'm gonna go and edit the play list of the songs on my play list. I like Ultraviolet by McFly but not that much to keep it that forever. *smiles*

Que sera sera *what will be, will be*

If You Lost Your Wish, Can I Help You Find It?

Disclaimer: Names of people have been altered. EXCEPT for the utterly rich and famous. *winks*

Okay people, I'm back. You can call the search parties off now thanks!!!

Well, the things that have happened since I last blogged? Basically the usual 'stressing-over-exams'. Well what else did you expect? That was the main reason I stopped coming online anyway. Even though that didn't stop me from logging onto YouTube when the stress got too much for me to handle.
What?
I just really needed to see Dougie's face and hear his sweet voice. NOT that I don't have him singing on my phone and iPod but it helps if I could hear him say something else besides sing.
He's the only thing that keeps me going these days. Well him and my top six best friends. Without the seven of them, I swear I would have killed myself a long, long time ago.
No joke.

So today is raya so I'd like to say, 'Happy Raya' to any muslims here that are reading my blog. And as we all know, as we're celebrating raya, the other people get to have a break as well so I'd also like to say, 'Happy Hols' to everyone else. Use the hols wisely people, we've got History exam as soon as school re-opens two weeks from now! Urgh, I'm absolutely brimming with joy. *note the tone*
I've mostly been writing songs these past week and 'The Book' has sorta been put on hold. Well besides exams, Cameron is taking ages finishing her chapter.

Anyways, today was hectic. Well duh, first day of raya is always busy and urm....crazy. Although surprisingly, I had a fun time with my cousins. I didn't spend raya at Kelantan this year so yeah, I missed the satay in Kelantan a lot. But in Kelantan......let's just say I prefer my cousins here. I think. I'm not sure. I guess I'm giving more points here because I have a slight crush on one of my cousins. *laughs* But its no big deal. I mean, its just a tiny crush. Its not like I'm obsessed with him. Like I am with a 'certain celeb'. *grins*

Hmmmm.......besides enjoying the food, spending time with my cousins and going to people's houses, nothing much happened today. Although I did get really frustrated because my mum didn't seem to want to go home even though I was ready to drop from lack of sleep. I mean hello? Does it really matter if we go to those people's houses or not? Okay, so raya is suppose to bring us closer to our family members but do you really call someone you see only like, once in a freakin' year, 'family'? So we're related but that's about it. My mum was like, "At least you still see them right?"
I know we'll still see them even though its only once but don't you just have that weird feeling? Like you go to these people's houses and you have this thought in your head. You know the, 'hi-I'm-just-seeing-you-know-cos-its-a-holiday-and-its-a-part-of-my-duties-to-see-you-we-wouldn't-meet-otherwise' thought. I know I sound like a bitter old woman but I can't help how I really feel about these kinda things can I?

My phone hasn't stopped ringing since morning and to be honest, its kinda driving me to the point of insanity. I mean, I love my friends. A lot. But there's just this one person in particular that's driving me up the wall. I'm not gonna mention any names but I think my top six will be able to tell who.

Anyways, a couple of things are calling me right now. Mainly my cousins that I just added on YM. *laughs*
I'll blog in here as soon as possible or as soon as anything interesting pops up. Which I can assure you.....will be soon.

Que sera sera *what will be, will be*