I'll Pretend My Ship's Not Sinking

It's been a while, I know.
I apologize.


Lately life has revolved around, trying to make my grades... Trying my best to pretend everything in life is just dandy...


In some ways, I think I managed it. In some ways, I think I even fooled myself in thinking that I've managed to come to this equilibrium in which nothing hurts anymore. That if I just get through each day methodically, I'd be able to survive.


Then one day, one day, I'd be able to be with you.


Then something happens to destroy everything.
Of course its only inevitable. You, the Prince of Gold... The sunshine and light. One who can do no wrong.


And what am I?
Nothing but street puddle down a dark and murky alleyway.

No?


I tell myself I'm worth more than that... I'm smart. I'm beautiful. I'm strong.
Then... Then I see her...
Her watchful eyes, judging every move I make. 


And everything just crumbles again.
Every little hope I had saved within the depths of my soul...
Everything just evaporates...


All at once, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
Do you care?
Does anyone?


Does it matter that on the outside, I'm smiling and pretending that we're just friends when inside all I want to do is cling to you?


I don't know what to say anymore.
I don't think there is anything left to say.
Sometimes... 


I wish I'd just die.
Get hit by a car and just let the higher force take me away.


Better than this.
Better than being judge.
Better than being scrutinized with every move I make.


But no...
No...
Somehow I have to stay strong.
Somehow I'll find a way.
Somehow I'll survive this mess.


Battered and bruise.
But what does it matter right?
What does anything to matter to her?


I'm not her child. Why would she care if it hurts me?
Why would she care if she stops my happiness?
Why would she ever care about me?


I'll stay strong.
I promise you this my readers.
I won't jump off the ledge.
I'll hang on...


I hope  I will.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Every Time You Call For Some Sympathy, Make It Worth My Time.

Yes.
I have done wrong.
Yes.
I hurt you.
Yes.
I don't think I deserve to live on this planet anymore.


I wish, I could repeat to that moment in time and not do the things that I've done. Better yet, I wish I could go back to the days when we first started out in college together and live in that moment forever.

Those last carefree moments when you didn't have to worry about going against the rules and I had at least some scrape of self-respect for myself again.

I miss those times when we would flirt casually but there was always and underlying meaning to the things we say, the looks we shared.

Now everything is just thrown up into the air and instead of having the pieces fall back down to the ground, they just soar higher and higher until we've lost track of them.

I don't expect you to forget.
I have never ignored you for more than a day. I just cannot bring myself to. I break down and ignore my own resolution and end up calling you.
Only to be rejected once more.


God, I'm so messed up.
But you see, right now I feel like I can't even say that to you. Because you'd counter with some other statement and prove that you are more messed up than me.

You probably are.
But how does that cancel out the fact that I am messed up too?
I feel so guilty whenever I look at you, I feel like I killed off your family or something.

Gah.
I've already broken my resolution of being less emo. And I thought that by coming here, I'd be able to express all my thoughts and not feel like I want to scream until my throat is sore.
Not feel like I want to cry until blood falls from my eyes.

But...
I feel like that.
So much so I think I'm going to explode.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Give Me a Freaky Boy

Alrighty then, since apparently Twitter doesn't work as well in the INTEC library as it does in my new class at Jackson. I suppose I shall update this little page of thoughts of mine.


Anyway, it's a pretty good feeling to see everyone again after the two months break. Especially those peeps that I haven't been able to see because they don't venture into KL/Subang area that often. 


Day 2 of the year was pretty stressful. Considering how I didn't pay the registration fee earlier so I had to run around like a headless chicken trying to get everything done in the morning. Lesson learnt: Do not pay registration fees late.

Another valuable piece of advice.
Do read the seemingly 'general' letters that INTEC sends you because with INTEC its never general. 

We went out to Sunway Pyramid that night though. We being, most of the ex-Austinites and some other stowaways. Though I was particularly annoyed with one, it was pretty appropriate that I didn't spend most of my time with him or I'd have gone insane. Or rather, I'd have screamed in his face. Whichever came first. 


It turned out to be a girl's night at the movie so we decided to watch Jack and Jill. Adam Sandler can do a pretty good impression of a girl. Not that he's a particularly pretty girl but ah, what the heck. After watching that movie, Elsheba couldn't help notice all the twins that were walking around Pyramid.


Got home just in time before curfew, but we were all so wiped out we just crawled into  bed with a happy conscience that class would only begin at 2.00pm the next day.
Or so we thought.


So there I was, all pumped out to study 'Introduction to Biology' in college and hyped thanks to all the tea I had that morning when lo and behold, our lecturer didn't even know she had class with us on that day. In retrospect, it was pretty hilarious considering how the eighteen of us were sitting in class for like an hour, waiting for her to show up.


Meanwhile, the other classes were either already done with their classes (ice breaking since it was the first day, go figure) or their lecturers called them earlier to say that class was cancelled. And so, my fellow Jacksonites (Jacksonians? Jacksonese? Still trying to figure out the term) and I were having a pretty le sigh moment. 


Oh wells. All in all, it was a pretty wasted day, study-wise but the two hours dinner with friends made up for it.
Reminds me of why I love college so much.
It's so different compared to when I was in MRSM. I mean, to be frank, I fit in here, in a way. Whereas in MRSM, I used to feel like a cultural outcast not only 'cause I entered MRSM at the grand old age of 16 while everyone else had been there since they were 13 but also the fact that we barely spoke the same language made it that much harder.


Though I cannot deny, I did have my fun and I did made some pretty awesome friends that I wish I can meet up with for dinner every now and again. I love my friends here in INTEC too. And rejoining with them after the long break just highlights the fact. 


Now, I'm sitting in the INTEC library or what is known as the North Pole of INTEC and shivering in spite of the long sleeved trench coat over a T-shirt combo that I opted to wear to class today. But then again, the air-conditioning isn't this strong in class so hopefully my teeth wouldn't chatter so much during Speech Communication later.


Yep, class is at 10am. So I've still got time to kill. If anyone needs me, I'll be curled up on my chair and reading The Complete Tales and Poems of Edgar Allan Poe.


Le toodles.

A tribute to the fact that I don't have my broadband with me.


To write love on her arms,
Tash

I'm Staring Down the Barrel of a Loaded Night

Okay, couldn't resist but to start this early. I think it was thanks to reading Carmen's blog that I just felt the urge to...blog.
Lol. So thanks Carmen!

New Year's (2012) Resolutions

1. Get results like Ben Campbell from the movie '21'. I realized a flaw in my initial version of this resolution just a while ago when I said I wanted to be more like Ben Campbell. The thing about Ben is that he's a genius. The kind that can jet off to Vegas and spend the night counting cards and yet still make the grades. So instead of being more like him, I just want his results. 

2. Spend more time in the library/Akasia studying. A continuation from the first resolution perhaps but in order for me to achieve the first one, I need to do something about it first. And that means no more staying out late for random coffee breaks at Old Town White Coffee and spending weekends at home. From now on, weekends are spent in college! Unless absolutely forced to go home. Har har har.

3. Exercise whenever possible. This means spending more time at the park beside Akasia and jogging. No more flat tyres and flabby chicken wings! 

4. Take better care of myself. I bought the Breakfast Scrub by Soap and Glory for a reason. I need to start taking care of myself. I've been a very bad version of myself for these past couple of months and I'm over that. I'm sick and tired of being that depressed emo kid. So I'm bidding goodbye to that version of myself and settling into this one. A version with more confidence and a 'who-gives-a-flying-Facebook' attitude. Not that I'm not allowed to whine in my blog every once and a while, si? 

5. Spend Christmas with Baizura in London. Or maybe New Years? Yes people, hopefully this time next year I'd be all settled in the States, living out the epitome of my childhood dreams. I've always wanted to study overseas and I'm just on the verge of it. So  this is it. No more playing around! Anyway, if I'm already there. I can just jump on a flight to spend my holidays with Bai. (;

Alright. I think that's it for resolutions. Not going to make too many or I'm going to read this a year from now and just feel disappointed. Instead, I'm going to keep it short and sweet and cross my fingers that I'd at least be able to achieve all of them.

Moving on with the roll call.
Myra.Girl, we've been best friends since form 2. We had our differences especially in form 3 but in retrospect... I would do it all over again. 2011 has been pretty tough on us, what with college and not being able to see each other as much as we hoped to. But it's all good. Good luck for your finals. You're going to ace it. And I better see your butt overseas when you do your Masters. Lol. Thanks for being there for me buddy. 

Sash.
I was so happy when you said that you got a place in UiTM Dungun. And God, even though I miss you like crazy I am totally one hundred percent supporting you back here in Selangor. LOL. We've had our fun in 2011. And we're going to have even more fun in 2012. Thanks Sash, for everything.

Bai.
OHMYGOD I MISS YOU! I remember the times we spent in tuition, complaining about high school and how we can't wait for college. But of course, everything comes back and bites us in the ass when we're actually in college and suffering through coursework and assignments. The thing I love about you is that, despite the distance... When you come back, it's like you never left. And we can pick up right where we left off. And I guess that's the reason why we're best friends. The four of us. Me, you, Sash and Mye. God I love you all so much. I don't know where I'd be without the three of you. With you guys by my side, no matter what shit I go through... I know I can make it through. (;


Syauqi.
We've had our ups and downs. 2011 has been... pretty rough for the both of us. So I'm hoping 2012 we could start fresh. Burn the old bridge and just continue to the next chapter. What do you say?

Hani.
My darling roommate. I was worried that I was going to get the roommate from Hell but I guess God decided that I had enough of that in the year of MRSM so He decided that you're going to be my new roommate. We get along pretty well and I love your randomness and your ability to make me laugh at the most mundane of things. I can't wait to see you on the 2nd. Lol. And cheers to an epic year!

Carmen.
You always have the best advice. You manage to keep a cool and calm demeanor no matter how stressed out you are and I can't be thankful enough to have a classmate like you. You're amazing and proof that an Arts student can in fact, make it in the Science student world. 

Arsyad.
Ohmygod, the times I spent in your car. With you driving back and forth and getting lost in Cyberjaya. Thanks for listening to me whenever I'm down and spending time to merepek with me about everything. Your sarcasm never fails to make me smile. Thanks buddy. 

Chern Wei.
My 'Dad-Mom'. Hahaha. You listen to me whenever I'm in a mood. And you seem to understand me even though we've known each other for three months plus. You are an awesome debater and I hate to be the person sitting across the room from you. 


Luqman.
My 'Dad'. Nyahahaha. Your iPhone has been vital to all the Austin pictures randomly posted on Facebook and of course you seem to know how to organize outings better than me. o.o
So props to that!


Matthew.
Second sem is going to be totally empty without listening to the word SADAM every now and again. Ahahahaha. Nevermind! One random night, we can totally spend it in McD's with Carmen, Hani and Marcus all over again. Ehehehe...


Marcus.
Eh where to begin... We seem to have random conversations about random stuff. And I need to get you a bottle of lotion for your birthday. *coughcough* (;


Sharrif.
So many things to say. None of them sufficient. All of them conveying the same message.


To the rest of the Austinites because I've lost steam in writing each and everyone of you. LOL.You guys are awesome. I never thought I'd love my classmates as much as I love you guys and second semester is going to thoroughly suck since we're not all together anymore. But that doesn't stop us from having dinners at least every forth night right?
Or at least until our assignments decided to shoot us in the head execution style.


To my readers.
Thanks for reading and keeping the statistics on this blog moving. I know I haven't been an avid blogger for these past couple of months. I guess emotionally, I've been pretty unstable for the last few months of 2011. I'm hoping to change that. I really am. 


Last but not least...

If only it was that simple kan?
But its okay. I'll keep on trying. The emo kid might resurface quite a number of times. But I'm trying to hold her in place. 


To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Only Shooting Stars Break the Mould

So everyone is moving forwards and getting prepared for the year to come. I guess you could say that I'm equally as excited due to the fact that I've made some New Year's resolutions which I intend to keep (and would be post in the later post). However this post is mostly about the memories I had in 2011. The fond ones that I am going to remember for quite some time. (;


First up, National Service.

It was an experience alright. What with the grueling training we had to endure every day. Waking up at 4am in the morning to get an ice-cold shower and then run around the lake wearing our big black boots. But I have to admit, I met some pretty nice people there. And of course the dancing was great too. Hahaha.

Earth Day 2011.
It was spent with Myra at my Grandma's place where we had a BBQ and turned the lights off. We had the yummiest strawberry pavlova from Alexis. 

Laser tag with my best friends.
Bai was going to leave for the UK soon so we decided to have one last hurrah before she did. I think I nearly passed out after the ten minutes. It showed how unfit I was. And probably still am. LOL.

Preparing for 'Parade' for IN-PRO @ INTEC.
We spent every possible free hour practicing.
I remember days, sitting excited in class because I was finally doing what I loved doing.
Dancing. (:
Although we practiced until late at night on some days, the dinner experience together was amazing. And I loved the fact that a lot of us bonded over the course of the practice. Though some of us might have had a couple of mood swings and tantrums, it was all pretty worth it when we won that night. 

I don't think I'll ever forget this night.
Who knew that I would find love in UiTM Shah Alam's stadium?
It was on this night that I realized my feelings for that someone. And it hit me pretty hard.

Holidays when everyone is around is awesome.
Having Bai back just calls for a celebration and the four of us had an amazing day out. Wondermilk just adds to the ambiance.

The thing I quickly realized about college is that some of our assignments aren't completely within the norm as compared to high school. Here we had to do a radio ad and my group was selling 'Grandpas'. Yup. No joke.

This is just one of the random Austin dinners we had. The thing I love about my ex-class is that we had this sort of chemistry that can't be explained. (;
Oh, not to forget we had some stowaways from other classes but it was all good. 

Raya 2011
The fact that Baizura was home made it all the better. 

When All Time Low came to Malaysia.
Myra and Sash slept over at my house for the weekend. We went right after I finished classes on Friday to KLIA just to see them. Bought a Mickey Mouse for Flyzik. All in all. It was the awesomest weekend I ever had.  

Volunteering at Zoo Negara.
And missing pre-calculus because of it.
Hahahaha.
It was a great experience and we got to bond with the sea lions. (;

The night we spent all night in McDonald's.
It was the final day of exams and we Austinites wanted to blow off steam by catching a movie in Sunway Pyramid.
Or so was the plan. Har har har.
But after some crazy mishaps and a little rain... We ended up in Midvalley instead and was enthralled by Real Steel. 


It was a little too late when the five of us finished dinner (the others had gone back earlier) and realized we were going to be late for curfew. So instead we took the chance and stayed up all night at McDonald's in section 18. We felt bad because some of the A-level students were trying to study but there we were laughing and talking aimlessly.
Can't ignore the fact that we bonded though. (; Oh Austin, how I love you guys.

Well, that caps off some of the highlights of my 2011.
Next post: New Year's Resolutions and my thank yous roll call.
Stay tuned. (;


To write love on her arms,
Tash.

This Pain From Missing You it's Just Too Strong

Those moments when you lay awake in bed until the vampires are back in their coffins, just because you can't stop thinking.

Those moments when you see another happy couple and you feel a stab of jealousy every time and it isn't because you want to be a part of that relationship. You just wished you had someone you could do the same thing with.


Those moments when you reach out to someone only to get snubbed back. Denied for the fourth billion time.
Those moments when you put on sugary smile, brushing it off like it didn't actually hurt you.


Those moments when you cry and your pillow is drenched with your tears and you feel like you can't breathe because with every breath, comes another heart wrenching sob from the deepest corners of your heart. With every breath, the feeling of emptiness just intensifies.


Those moments when you pretend everything is okay, and you actually get on with life. But in those tender moments when you lower your public mask that you wear in front of everyone else... Those moments when you actually survey the wreckage that your heart is in. How destroyed and scarred it is. You wonder if you would ever let anyone else in ever again.


Those moments when you see the reason why your life is like this, going about their life like nothing is happening. Like she didn't stab a knife through your heart, twisted it until it tore right through the muscle and left you there to bleed. In those moments, when you just shake with anger and resentment but you can't say anything. Because its not our culture and not in our religion to do so.


Those moments when you cry alone with no one to turn to because you can't bear to tell your best friends what a wreck you've become. Because you're too proud to admit the pain that you're going through. Because you've heard every advice known to mankind you can practically write your own self-help book. But it's always easier said than done, isn't it?

Those moments when you just wish the car you're in would just crash and kill you off so that you can stop feeling anything. 


Those moments when you don't understand for the life of it, why someone wouldn't like you when you've been nothing but nice to them. When you would practically lick the ground she bloody walks on. When insecurities start to flood in and you wonder if there's something so horribly wrong with yourself.


Those moments when anger, sadness and resentment just become a mess of emotions and you want to take a knife and run it down your arms just so you can watch the emotions escape from your veins. In those moments, you'd sit by the window of your bedroom with said knife in your hand and think about how your life has been reduced to one individual's unreasonable choice. One without an actual fact behind it. 


Those moments when you just want to drown yourself in the bathtub of your own tears. When you just want the light to fade and to shut your eyes from this reality.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

I am Ophelia in Reverse.

That moment when all you want to do is sleep and about to switch the laptop off but your blogging mojo comes back.

T_T

I can see the strings of Murphy's Law getting to me.
Oh how I miss Hani continuously saying that. 

So anyway, I think its fairly obvious that I've changed the template for my blog. Definitely better than anything someone who has a blog on wordpress.com *cough* has managed with her blog. (;

Anyway, the template is inspired by one of my favorite books of all time, 'Nevermore' by Kelly Creagh. The book is the reason why I'm so obsessed with Edgar Allan Poe and the circumstances surrounding his mysterious death (not to mention that his poems are amazing. Check out 'Annabel Lee'). Another reason is because of Varen Nethers. Who is my book boyfriend.

Hahaha. I seem to be attracted to the whole emo/goth kid persona that he has with his kohl-rimmed green eyes and black longish hair as soft as feathers and that sexy silver lip ring. Yumminess on a plate!
There's also a reason as to why I've suddenly decided to use this purple colored font instead of the usual black one. But if you really want to know the reason why, I suggest you read Nevermore. 

If you're a fan of the wonderful Poe, or even a fan of Sherlock Holmes for that matter and also a fan of supernatural mysteries with a touch from the Victorian era to boot, this is your kind of book.

Well other than that, the usual pressures of any ADFP student this year, regardless from which university, has been getting to me. Applications are just being a hot mess to fill out. Not to mention that I keep re-writing my Personal Statement because I'm a perfectionist like that.

Someone recently said to me how I write such long essays/stories, I could become the next Sophie Kinsella if I wanted to. The thing is, she made it seem like an insult. Funnily enough, I should've pointed out to her that J.K. Rowling who happens to dedicate her life to 'writing' is rumored to be richer than the Queen of England.
At least I have the option of becoming a writer.

Which is kinda what I've been wanting since the age of seven anyway.
However, it was nice of her to point it out. No matter how sarcastic it was.
It's enlightening to see how hard someone tries to bring you down.
Pathetic really but I guess she doesn't have anything else to do with her spare time.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.